I’m looking for a girl with a good vagina between her legs and an even better set of breasts on her chest, but admitting thusly will guarantee that I have zero chance of finding out if you are said girl. My overbearing sense of pride is unable to reconcile the fact that I’m looking for dates online, so I’m laying the blame on my one friend who might once have made a passing comment about online dating… I am the center of the universe and will not hesitate to dump your sorry ass the minute even one brain cell inside my head starts to get bored with you.
The words we use to communicate and describe our dating lives take on bigger, stranger and more ambiguous meanings when put them down indelibly in writing.
A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen - preferably cooking his meals and elbow deep in his dirty shirts. He'll order for you in a restaurant and pat you on the bottom and say 'don't you worry your pretty head about it' when you ask him about his day. Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture. Speak slowly and clearly and always be within five minutes of a toilet.
Online dating dictionary alec baldwin dating
With a new(ish) form of dating comes a new vocabulary.
Here’s a short-list of our some of the most popular words associated with online dating. ALGORITHM Google defines this as “a process or set of rules to be followed in calculations or other problem-solving operations, especially by a computer.” In terms of dating apps, each one has a different algorithm.
I present to you my unabridged, unabashed, online dating dictionary…. I’m looking for someone willing to overlook my hideousness. You can also find me on Twitter (I am not the creator of Twitter).
Translating Men: What They Say and What They Mean I’m new to the whole online dating thing………. I have no ambitions in life and am stoked that sitting on my ass, watching TV is now an activity known as “chillin’.” I’m a total smart-ass……….. I’m currently dating eight other girls and hope you’re open to being my ninth. I play kickball in a local adult recreational sports league. I’m looking for a man who’s 6’4”, makes six figures, has a chiseled jaw and washboard abs, is a hopeless romantic, has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh everyday, is intelligent and well-read, loves to travel, will buy me flowers and open doors for me, is sensitive and emotionally available, loves kids, loves pets, volunteers for charities, is a handyman, is great in bed, shares my political beliefs, shares my faith, matches my astrological sign, will not be afraid to tell me he loves me, gets along with my family, will worship me, will spoon me, will always understand me…
My online dating virginity grants me immunity to be a total jackass at any time during our impending courtship process. Please excuse me while I now describe myself in the most inane, generic, and clichéd way possible. I will cover up for my lack of actual wit by belittling anything and everything you say. I’m starting to figure out that girls only flirt with me to get free drinks. Sometimes, I even put my beer down before I get up to the plate. I’m 5’9” when I wake up the morning after a particularly foul night of drunken debauchery, my hair having grown into a three-inch-tall fermenting faux-hawk of sweat and dried gel. I am so devoid of personality that I can’t even specify what I do for fun, not that I actually do anything that can be considered fun, so I’ll just say that I love “fun” in a general sort of way. I know the proper usage of “lol,” as well as the winky-face emoticon “;-)”. Men want to sleep with me just because I let them buy me drinks.