Because, apparently, they are like Bitcoins for dinner reimbursement! (Listen to this Emma Watson speech and you will understand everything.) If you look at any romantic storyline, from to Nicholas Sparks nonsense, and you will notice a recurring theme of a closed-off guy and a bubbly beauty who opens him up to the magical world of feelings and emotions. There is something nice and cuddly about most American men that makes you feel like you are dating a walking slumber party, fried chicken and mindless reality TV included. Their penchant for comfort food and acceptance of curvier female silhouettes? I’m not sure, but it most definitely beats chomping on carrots in the bony embrace of a miserable Frenchman, an experience that could be used to torture war criminals. This country’s meritocratic approach to success has effectively taught American men that Ben Franklin goodness does not grow on trees and that you actually need to work your butt off to ensure yourself a steady paycheck and a cushy retirement plan. It is my firm belief that one cannot fully appreciate the proactive and positive American spirit until they have lived in a country where misery and negativity are more à la mode than Vetements. They are driven by basic needs that can be easily fulfilled through the bottom tier of Maslow’s Hierarchy (food, sleep, sex).Bubbly beauties, you have your work cut out for you! On the downside, Americans tend to align success with human value, which is pretty twisted, but let’s not delve on this, because I’m really trying to look on the bright side here, ok?! American men are taught to fix problems and find solutions and never take no for an answer, reflecting the very foundation that this country was built on. So, instead of wondering if your man is staring into space because he’s pining for his secret lover, you can safely assume that he is probably staring into space because he’s pining for the Knicks and a burger. Disclaimer: These are mere generalizations that do NOT reflect each male representative of the US & A. Girls, don’t break up with your American boyfriend screaming lack of depth quite yet!
As one Latin friend rightfully pointed out, there is no other country that aligns hookup levels with sports bases, with the ultimate goal of scoring a “home run.” Once American men “score,” they then find it necessary to “perform” by whipping out a manual of porn-inspired moves that often fail to satisfy female desires.
As much as I knock the French, I credit them for teaching me to see sex as a natural and fluid progression of human relations, rather than “giving up the goods.” (Also, what’s up with blow jobs in this country? Once again, this is engrained in the Anglo-Saxon culture (throwing Brits under the bus here), which traditionally teaches boys to be strong and macho Alpha males, resulting in an emotionally-repressed male population. I don’t care if it’s drug-induced and requires an amphetamine injection straight into the bloodstream. And, as Phoebe Philo has taught us, there is beauty is simplicity. They don’t ponder and question and talk in circles and say one thing but mean something completely different.
Everyone seems to celebrate Independence Day, these days.
On the back of every pub toilet door (and believe me, I spend a lot of time in pub toilets) there seems to be a flyer for their 4th of July piss-up.
Despite living in this country for the past 10 years (three-year-stint in Paris excluded) and being a proud owner of a blue passport that can magically whisk me through the majority of international customs, I can probably tally up the number of American men I have dated on one hand. And why would this come as a surprise, given that this is a culture that thrives on concepts such as ‘fast fashion’ and ‘fast food’ and ‘all-you-can-eat buffets’?